Friday, May 31, 2013

Pregnancy Thoughts - October 2012

To my teeny tiny womb monkey J
I have been having deep thoughts today baby girl. This may be silly but…I’m wondering if you’re going to like me. I know you will like your Daddy – who wouldn’t? He is calm and placid. He is easy going, easy to get along with and he NEVER yells. I’m different. I’m loud and passionate, I get very excited, very angry, very happy – I have big mood swings in each direction and then as soon as they have arrived they are gone. I get obsessed with things –with issues that mean a lot to me and I call them out loud and clear regardless of other peoples feelings. Daddy is a study in level headedness and I am a collection of extremes – which is why we fit so well together. I’ve heard people say they hope you are like your Daddy not me but I’m not sure. I will love you – I do love you no matter who you may turn out to be. But in a way I kind of hope you are more like me because I never want you to feel like I steam roll you, like I talk over you, like you have no voice around me. If you’re like me we are probably going to fight – huge screaming arguments – and you’re probably going to run to Daddy…I think he will be your calm, your safe place, your safe harbor. But I hope you always know that however extreme my emotions, however passionate I might be…there is nothing I will ever feel more strongly about than you.
No matter what, you will always be the daughter I always wanted.
65 days till my ‘due date’ (of course very few babies ever come on their due date) and I can’t wait to meet you, to hold you in my arms, to kiss your nose and tell you just how much I love you. I’m tearing up just thinking about it little love.

Oh baby girl
I’m having a hard time again and I need to talk to you. Its 7am and Ive been up since 3.45am. For the last couple of weeks I have been really itchy all over – doesn’t sound so bad compared to all the other things you and I have been through but it sucks. I itch so bad that I cant sleep, cant think, I just want to scratch myself all the time. The worst thing about it though is that it might mean something really bad for you and me. I’m being tested to find out if I have something called Cholestasis. If I have it, it means a few things. For me it means that I will have a much bigger chance of bleeding too much when Im giving birth to you. For you….it means your chance of being still born is a lot bigger so they will want to get you out as soon as your lungs are mature enough.
I have to wait a week to find out but….God I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry my body is letting you down yet again. I feel like no matter what I do, my body is turning on you. When I first found out you might need to be induced early I was thinking about all the plans I had for a natural, intervention free, birth. But now I cant help thinking I want you OUT! Not because I’m  not willing to go through anything and everything I can for you but I want you out of me so my body doesn’t have the chance to hurt you anymore! I don’t only feel bad for you I feel bad for Daddy too! He doesn’t deserve this. If he had fallen in love with any other woman then he wouldn’t have had to go through all this crap – he wouldn’t have had to nurse her through HG, become the sole breadwinner, move in with his in-laws, deal with an invalid girlfriend and now deal with a frustrated and scared girlfriend who wakes him up itching madly and worry about whether his baby is going to be okay.
This sucks so bad. I just want you to be okay. I just want to hold you and look into your eyes. I just want you to be safe. I love you more than anything.

No comments:

Post a Comment