Thursday, June 6, 2013

Caged

I was writing a big long post but I can't finish it and I ramble way too much.

I am so sad, so stressed, so overwhelmed.

It's not Ella, although the fact that she wakes me every two seconds certainly doesnt help my state of mind. Its living here - the lack of privacy, the constant nagging, the interuptions, the lack of family time, constant questioning of my parenting, constant demands to 'do this' and 'do that' on someone elses schedule when as as new mother I need to fit things in whereever I can, the disregard for the baby who is being constantly woken by adults who cant manage their time or use their inside voices, the fact that there is always someone or some device making noise and there is never a time to drink in the quiet and destress.

I am feeling trapped, caged and stunted. I want out of here and I want my family to start our lives together without constant scrutiny.

Tonight, after Ella was once again woken by my parents having a trivial argument I just felt defeated and like I wanted to lie down on the floor and cry. I have no power, I have no recourse - we pay board but any complaints are met with "Its our house". I am still stressed and tense - hence why I am awake and blogging at 11:20pm while my daughter sleeps.

I feel claustrophobic and I just want to scream. I dont feel this is a problem with me - a PPD issue - this is just reactive. I cannot maintain my serenity in this situation. We have been here for a year and I just want out.

I am a staunch atheist but I'm praying - to no-one in particular - that soon we get our break, that our luck improves. All our diligent saving means nothing if Mark doesnt increase his salary - all it would take for us to be able to buy a home is for him to get this one promotion at work but as always with them, it could be weeks till we find out if he has. If he hasn't, I hope he tells me over the phone, because he will be disappointed enough without having to deal with me sobbing out my own disappointment.

I need some space. I need some quiet. I feel like I cant breathe here.

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